Answers to Questions

Do you ever wonder if you're acting the way you're suppose to be acting? If maybe there are some certain rules to follow that you just aren't aware of? My Dad died on November 1st. The world didn't stop turning. Thanksgiving came on the 4th Thursday of the month just like always. Christmas is quickly approaching on December 25 just like it does every year. I still have laundry to do each day, a house to clean, children to raise, and a husband to love. People ask me how I'm doing. I have been asked what it feels like to lose your father. I've been asked if Thanksgiving was hard and if Christmas is going to be hard. I don't know how to answer questions like that.
How am I doing? I'm surviving. I'm doing the things that I've always done as a part of my life. I'm chauffeuring kids to Karate, Cub Scouts, Girl Scouts, church, etc..., I'm keeping up with the laundry, I'm fixing meals, I'm listening and responding to the 1001 times my children say "Mommy" in a single day, and I'm trying to be the wife that my husband needs.
What is it like to lose a father? I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I feel like the hole that it left will never be filled again. I hurt more than I ever thought possible. There are mornings I wake up and my first thought is "Let's go visit Dad today", then I realize that I can't. There are times when the kids have done something funny or when they have accomplished something they had worked hard for that I want to share the news with him. I can't do that either.
Are the holidays hard? On Thanksgiving my biggest concern was "Who is going to make the mashed potatoes?". That probably seems very small in the whole scheme of things. But you see, my Dad always made the mashed potatoes for as far back as I can remember. Mom always complained that he left lumps in them, and he would tell her "That's how you know they're "real" potatoes". When I was little I use to help him make them. My sisters also had a turn. The grandkids took over that job as helpers once they came along. This year on Thanksgiving my sister solved that dilemma by making a different kind of potatoes. I was grateful. There was plenty of food and lots of laughter. The difference was that huge void that almost took my breath away. The kids had to seek out someone else to play Dominoes and Checkers with. No one offered to take them to the farm to ride the 4-wheeler, or go for a hayride. Christmas will be more of the same.
Most days I do okay. Dad and I were very close and because he is embedded in my heart, it's difficult to truly grasp that he's gone. I still feel him. It's the little things that hit me the hardest. Jayden and I were wrapping some presents this afternoon when she started talking about Heaven and Granddad. All of a sudden she said "Mommy, we didn't get a chance to fly in Granddad's plane". It was in that instant, that I realized just how much this little girl missed out on. I wish she had had more than 4 years with him.
Life goes on for the rest of us. It's different than it was and we have to deal with the change. But this life is short and my longing for Heaven gets stronger as the years go by.