Morning/Mourning

I have been awake since 4:30 this morning and cannot seem to get back to sleep. The house is quiet and there is a new layer of snow forming outside my window. I can remember coming out to the living room as a child and sitting with Dad while he drank his coffee and read the paper. Mom would be in the kitchen either getting breakfast ready or cleaning up the kitchen. We would sit in that living room, look at the cows in the field across the street, and watch the sun come up. I enjoyed those quiet mornings. Soon enough the school bus would come and the day would be filled with obligation, but in those moments, I felt peace. I miss that feeling. For the first 36 years of my life, I knew that if I had a problem, I could talk to my Dad about it. When he died, that was gone. There are those that say I should be grateful for the relationship I had with him, because they didn't have that with their fathers. And I am. But to have it, and have it ripped away in a single day, is devastating. Nothing is the same anymore. I wake up each day and have to find a different way of dealing with things. My mind is still set to "how it has always been", and it takes effort to switch gears. I miss my Dad, plain and simple. I know God's timing is perfect and I am thankful than he is in Heaven waiting for me. But the loss is still very real for myself, my husband, and my children.