Saturday, January 2, 2010
Grief
"Grief has long been broken down into stages. One cycle made famous by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D., uses the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance", but where do we go from there? My Dad has been gone for a little over 2 years now. That "Daddy-shaped" hole is still in my heart. No, the pain doesn't cut as deeply as it once did, but the longing for his voice, and his touch, is still there. I don't think it will ever go away. The simplest memory can bring a tear to my eye. I sometimes hesitate to bring up his name in conversation. I need and want to be able to talk about him, but fear those around me will feel uncomfortable if I do. Grief isn't something that can easily be shared with others, because it is different for each individual. Most days there is enough activity going on around me that I don't have time to focus on the loss. But late at night, when everyone else is in bed and my house is quiet, I look at the pictures of my Dad on the living room wall and remember the man who taught me so much. It is in those times that I am overwhelmed by the reality that my whole world has changed. Everything I knew up to the age of 36, is now different. No matter how old we are, we are always a child in relation to our parents. The Daddy that held my hand when we crossed the street, is the one that I buried. I feel abandoned. So, I guess the question is "when will I be done with this grief process?". We seem to live in a society of deadlines and goals, and I tend to apply those to myself as well: Denial...check, anger...check, bargaining...check, depression...check, acceptance...check. But wait, I still miss him. I feel guilty when I can't see his face as clearly in my mind or remember the exact sound of his voice. Some days pass pretty smoothly but on others I am hit with a wave of raw emotion. How do I quiet the thought that I should be able to cope better and get over this? Others have lost loved ones. I'm not a special case. Yet I long for people to understand what I cannot explain. This man meant the world to me, and he's gone.
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1 comment:
Hi--it's Angie. I wanted you to know I'd read your blog, and was really moved. I think about your Dad whenever I'm home. I know his passing has left a big hole in Newark as well as in the church there.
The only experience I've had with real, devastating grief was when I had two miscarriages in a five month period. It was a dark difficult time.
I think that two things I learned about grief apply to your situation as well. One, is that no one but God will really understand what you are feeling. We're all so different, and even two people who go through the same thing will have different feelings. I would get so frustrated at people for not understanding me--it made me feel really alone. I finally had to accept the fact that no one was really going to understand what I was going through--and it wasn't fair of me to expect them to. I think that helped keep me from becoming bitter, although for awhile I was tempted.
Secondly, there is no magic timetable for grief. It doesn't surprise me at all that you're still grieving so strongly after two years. If your Dad had had a terminal illness, you would have had time to prepare for his leaving, but he died so suddenly--you have to take into account the time it's taken you just to work through the shock of what happened. Two years isn't long to grieve over someone who was such an important part of your life for over thirty.
Hang in there, and give yourself and those who love you a lot of grace. Keep writing and sharing, you never know who else needs to know that someone has been through the same thing. Take care of yourself and God bless!
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